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I decided to get over that Awkward Second Post thing, by doing it now. Cos there’s actually something I wanted to moan about straight away (I’ll probably stop after this one). Not so very long ago, I read an article (probably in the Guardian, I only read articles in the Guardian – or articles that have been linked to by someone who writes in the Guardian – I realise this is a bit limited, but hey, shoot me) and it was about women’s perception of their own abilities. In short: women think they’re not as good as they are. That’s interesting, I thought. But it doesn’t apply to me because I actually am a bit rubbish. And this is my worry. I think this next bit might need bullet points – now, how do you do them here? Ah. Right. Here are the facts as I see them:

  • I know that I’m pretty good, on the whole, at interviewing. If I want the job, I can appear confident and clever and sometimes even a bit witty.
  • I think that’s meant that occasionally I’ve been hired or promoted a bit rashly.
  • I’ve had some jolly good job titles, one of them with a ‘director’ in it. Fun!
  • My career has followed this trajectory: subbing > editing > management.
  • I am good at subbing, not bad at editing, and okay at management.
  • I don’t want to sub any more because it feels like going back a few steps. I’ve never edited a newsstand magazine, or a book, or anything in any way useful. “Management” is such a pissy, ephemeral thing – anyone can do it, and I’m not sure if I’m any good at it.
  • I am not as good at any of the above as I should be. I should have done one of the following: 1. stuck to one magazine and worked my way up, or 2. stuck to one subject area and actually learnt about it and lived it and became an expert in it, or 3. left the company a long time ago and retrained as something that was actually worthwhile.

You see? That’s my thing. Yes, Guardian writer, I agree with you, I’m sure a lot of women undervalue their abilities and talents, and that’s a Bad Thing. But I don’t – if anything, I’ve been exaggerating them for years. So, with no work on the horizon, one toddler, and one baby bump that’s slightly bigger than it should be (it’s got something to do with biscuits), just what the buggery flip do I do next?