I sent a link to this blog to my mum yesterday, and today I received this:
“Wot no blogs? Here I am, drumming my fingers over an empty inbox. No stamina, you young things.”
With that sort of demanding attitude and creative pressure, it’s a miracle I did quite so badly in my A Levels, really, isn’t it? These days, I’m much more eager to please. So, mum, this is for you.
Over the weekend (while I was partially missing Teddy, but otherwise sort of forgetting him in a guilty sort of way) I had a conversation with a friend, who told me that a recent study* has revealed that DHA is passed down from mothers to their children, and that the firstborn got the most, and following children got lesser amounts. Which means (if I may paraphrase a deeply convoluted academic paper) that firstborn children are super brainy, and subsequent offspring are a bit thick.
I began to think about my (older) brother and his wildly successful career and his astonishing work ethic. I researched all the clever people there are: Johnny Ball (only child); Glenda Jackson (oldest child); Jeremy Paxman (oldest child); Clair Raynor (oldest child); Derek Griffiths (lack of evidence on Wikipedia – for shame).
And I thought about Ted. Ted’s DHA levels have yet to nurture any indications of genius. In fact, it’s quite difficult to imagine him excelling in any field when his three achievements to date (falling over, speaking in tongues and rubbing peanut butter into his hair) are only pointing him in one direction: slapstick comedy. And if Teddy is to be the next Buster Keaton, what does life have in store for Tedderina? What of my dreams of raising the next Germaine Greer (the eldest of three)? What sort of appalling, dead-end career can she look forward to? I mean, seriously, the consequences for this unfortunate younger sibling could be catastrophic: the poor girl could end up working on niche hobbyist magazines.
* Yes, yes, whatever. I know that “recent study” is the broadsheet equivalent of “a source close to the star said”. I know. I may be a younger sibling but I’m not that stupid. (I still believe it, though. It was probably in the Guardian.)