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You see, there’s this thing about sleep – or the lack thereof. It’s crafty. It catches you* out. On the days that you’ve had enough sleep, there you are, all la-di-da, wondering what all the fuss is about. You can think coherently, enjoy time with your closest people, eat normally without resorting too heavily on Maynard’s Sports Mix, remember to not wear the clothes you were wearing yesterday when you walked up that vertical hill pushing a pram with an eight-stone toddler in it, and all sorts of clever things like that. (Yes, yes, an Oxford comma – whatevs. I’ve become very relaxed about these sorts of things. Won’t be long before I’m playing fast and loose with semi-colons, just you wait.)

But. BUT. The days when you** haven’t are a different kettle of Maynard’s altogether. On those days, it’s as if the days where you have had enough sleep never existed in the first place. And not only that, but if the small person you’re in charge of has also not had quite enough sleep – for these things can often go hand in hand if you have a small person – then not only do you experience all the bad things that come with not having enough sleep (filthy mood, filthy clothes, everything’s wrong especially your hair), but they’re somehow tripled. AND you have to simultaneously look after the angriest, most frustrated, stampy-footed thing since trolls were invented (and I mean the ones that live under bridges terrorising goats): That food is NOT right. That tractor is NOT the one I was pointing to. That nap was NOT long enough. That bunny is NOT funny. Being upside down does NOT solve anything. When you said PARK I thought you meant BISCUIT.

Inevitably it all ends in tears. His are louder, mine are snottier.

And another thing. If, theoretically speaking, you happen to think that it might be a good idea to peruse The Internet to help guide you through whatever personal problem you might be suffering – say, for instance, just at random: HOW TO STOP TODDLERS WAKING UP TWO FRIGGING HOURS EARLY – take it from me, that it’s not. Do you know what The Internet says about such things? (Not that I searched that, obviously – I was somewhere else, looking at videos of cats standing on their hind legs.) This – this – is what The Internet says:

Put them to bed earlier! Put them to bed later! Lose one of their naps! Move their nap later! Lose their naps entirely! Put up a blackout blind! Don’t  – whatever you do – put up a blackout blind! Make them run around for an hour before bedtime! Put them in a darkened room half an hour before bedtime! Whatever you do, make sure you do it for three nights! No, seven! Scrap that: a month!

To be fair, I don’t think there were that many exclams, but I am trying to make a point. Do not, ever, consider The Internet a font of wisdom. Apart from, of course, matters relating to cats standing up on their hind legs – it’s doubtful you’ll find that kind of expertise anywhere else.

* Obviously I mean me – yes, me. Me, me, me. Bloody knackered.

** IT’S ME.

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